fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
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