how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
You had a good week dude, you bought a motorcycle and a beer bong with ur parents money, missed 2 classes, and ran from security twice, good first 2 days to college
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
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