The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
We live walking distance from the coors factory. no, we do not have a dry week.
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