My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
Randomize
