So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
Randomize
