when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
Randomize
