I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
I went down on her for at least a half hour, She loved it, so I thought she'd recip. She said "I only do that if I know I'm getting something out of it."
SHUT IT DOWN.
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
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