it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
Randomize
