is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
Bret has after-school detention for writing Brianna has a stinky vag on the ground at recess.
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
It seems like every guy I've hooked up with all end up hanging out together, its like a cult.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Randomize
