Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
i think i have two assholes
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
Randomize
