I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
Its ok. I handled the situation with grace and class. lol jk i got shitfaced and fucked his roomate.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Randomize
