i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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