If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
Sex tent. say it aloud its amazing. promise you we rnt stoned.
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
Randomize
