I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
it was like eating out sand paper
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
Randomize
