god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
You're earring is so big in my mouth
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
Using a Nedi Pot after doing lines... at least I'm a health conscious drug user?
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
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