I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
protesters in toronto definately have the best pot
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
My liver is preforming stress tests.
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
Randomize
