there is no way he can be that small
look on the bright side he'll over comepensate
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
I got really high with eric & scott.. they're discussing why words sound the way they do.. it's going to get messy
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
The 30 seconds of sex was almost worth it...I mean he did smoke me out and watched the princess and the frog with me
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
I just did the walk of shame..with a blanket and a cup that says i will out drink all you bitches. This was not how i pictured 25.
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
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