I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
Honest opinion...too aggressive to bring the funnel out to the bar? Also just so you know im at the bar. with the funnel.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Randomize
