you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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