The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
Houston, we have a squirter
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
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