when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
I deserve to be covered in dicks
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
Taking body shots off hot Camren. Get here now.
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
