WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
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