oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
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