Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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