Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
"what do u think of parents raising kids to be peeping toms" said guy on bus 2 me
yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
The uberlube is also flammable
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
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