see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
maybe one of us should just pity fuck him and get it over with.
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Randomize
