I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
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