I am puke
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
It was her first time with a girl so I put on my tegan and Sara playlist to really get the full experience.
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
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