i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
He does have a nice smile. I also like to think he has a nice penis, but that's just a prediction.
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Randomize
