Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
i swear to god. if they dont have practically DTF written on their foreheads, or a glowstick in their hands, strictly no entry.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
How was it?
i think i smell bacon but im to sore to walk downstairs. that kinda night
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
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