i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
But for future reference, it might help your game if you don't tell the girl you're trying to get on your dick that she's "not the worst thing you've ever seen"
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
Randomize
