apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
