I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
I think you're too young for vagina rejuvenation but I guess you have never been one to listen. Sounds good! You bring the Percocet ill bring the vodka!
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Randomize
