My room smells like vodka and shame
in the practice room. just found 3 bottles of smirnoff hidden inside the piano. SO glad i didn't get into berklee...
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
The convent might be a nice break from real life
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
Randomize
