We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
These girls next to us are doing shots called bath salts. Sadly this is the classiest bar I've been to since i moved to PA
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
Randomize
