Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
he's a ginger AND was born with 2 holes in his penis. sleeping with a rare species & I LOVE THE THRILL
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
Randomize
