I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
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