If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
shit i just threw up on a freshman
i don't know if i should laugh or feel bad..
nevermind it was a sophmore, laugh.
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
