T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
God I need to hump something, right now.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize