You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
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