I met the friendliest cop last night
too bad they don't have a 'people you may be able to do' thing on facebook. it would save me a lot of fucking time.
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
It's cool dude. The dank is in the form of premade smores with honey grahm crackers, marshmallow cream and 420 brand choc. bars. NV weed laws have nothing on me.
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
Randomize
