I wish I could teleport
I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize
