I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
Randomize
