He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
after we finished we were both getting water at the kitchen sink...butt naked
so?
then my sister's foreign roommate walked out...in footy pajamas
It was awkward until we both realized our obsessions with harry potter and sangrias were the same. Now were in love.
You need tk get a life and stop texting me about fictional characters. I don't give a shit.
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize
