Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
Will exercising make me less horny?
Randomize
