god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
Dad's teaching me to make moonshine this weekend as "college prep". How scared should I be sis?
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
