Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
Randomize
