It's fine actually... I'm pretty sure he had the crookedest weiner in the world anyway.
Like he had it hanging in the wind and you just decided, "nope, I don't think that one's for me." ????
God no! I could just feel it. His clock said it was 8:00 when, clearly, it should have been midnight.
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
Randomize
