Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
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