i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
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