Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Randomize
