why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
Instead of medicine they should just give ecstasy. Also I'm tingly and can't find u guys. A gay man just said he loved me... :( / :)
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
Randomize
