you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
birth control should be required to get into college
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
I don't know what to think. Also, I decided to take a bath...sorry in advance if I flood the bathroom.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
Randomize
