She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
Randomize
